I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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