OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
