i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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