Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
