He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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