Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
