thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i came on her dog
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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