I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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