I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
what day is it and did you see me today?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
