wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
