I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
