I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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