the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
