Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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