Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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