One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
