I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
