yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
