I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
