just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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