I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
