sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
