I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
