Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My life is pants optional.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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