remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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