if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
