i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
