There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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