I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
