I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
