He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
