There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A bitchslap is in order.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
