rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i think i have two assholes
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
