I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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