In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
