I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
