I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
