I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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