I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
