Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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