She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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