farters have to be the big spoon...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
