I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
pop tarts are not kleenex
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
