Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
