did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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