I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
