He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
