my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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