you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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