Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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