Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
