I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
