ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
